i've heard somewhere that the quality you most hate in people is most probably one you have yourself.

funnily enough, this phrase and its connotations, its reflections have been resounding in my head of late. if you were to ask me, right now, i'd truthfully tell you i only really really hate two people on this earth. i haven't been able to bring myself to forgive them yet, and i know it's a flaw of mine, not being able to forgive, that is. but it really takes alot to make me hate you, and if i've reached that point, there's practically no turning back. when Judgement Day comes and i have to face my Maker, this will probably make the top ten list of sins i haven't been able to erase or atone for.

aaanyway. i was thinking about this for the past few days. i guess the one essential quality i hated the most for these two people was that they were extremely self-centred, to the point where they didn't even realise that they were hurting others, so trivial everyone else meant. the only time they decided to give others was calculated so that they would reap a benefit. otherwise, it was "leave me the hell alone" or "do what I say or get out of MY way". it always irked me so much, that these people still managed to find friends who didn't mind being trod upon, like doormats. only these doormats were blank, without welcome signs, taken for granted they would clean themselves up after the mess was made.

and then this phrase came along. i started to think about it, and came to the realisation that perhaps i, too have created enemies this way, by the casual dismissal of my hand or a diverted look when people try to get my attention or require my time, my compassion, my listening ear. i guess i never really meant to do these things, i was just caught up in myself. yes, i honestly admit it, i am guilty of being truly quite self-centred. i wage wars within but you see, even though i disagree with my decisions and practically everything to do with myself, i'm STILL focused upon self.

so i'm going to try. i'm sorry if i've ever hurt anyone in the way that i've been hurt, and i'm going to try to make time for others, despite my jam-packed schedule. if you look at nat's blog, i totally agree that you can't bring money or achievements in life with you when you die, you only bring the memories of relationships you've had. so call me up anytime, i'll listen to you. life's so short, i don't want to make others' lives miserable if i can help it. yup, it's time to reshift the focus.