when i was going to school, i used to keep a calendar that i brought around with me everywhere. but when the holidays started, i didn't like to wear a watch, or carry around a calendar. kinda letting the chaos element rule for once, and time flies much more quickly when you don't have a watch to keep checking. anyway. that's my excuse for double booking some people this week, lunch appointments made WAAAAY in advance and i'm so sorry to have forgotten it completely, there's been tons on my mind and things to do. gack. for those flying off soon... i'll MAKE time! just ring my mobile kay? at night... i usually keep it on silent during the day.

things to do things to do. in the past few weeks there've been deaths upon deaths. passings of friends, family. everything happens so soon, it's incredible but i realise i've forgotten that God holds the power of life in His hand, He can easily choose to take it away. but sometimes i yearn for mine to be taken away, more time spent on this earth causes me to be caught up in all the frivolities and the unnecessary, to become more selfish and materialistic. what a hard battle we fight!
last night my mom voiced her concerns for my maternal grandma, who's turning 87 this year, i think. she told me that i had better sing one song for mama's birthday this year. to heck with my self-conscious fears... who cares if i look like an unglam idiot. i must create a memory that'll last her forever.

meanwhile. i must write a letter of recommendation for myself, but being so self-negative i have nothing good to say. i hate this self-selling, but it must be done. this is all i've dreamed about since young, studying overseas i mean. gahhh. my boss says he's got no time to write such a letter so i must write it and he'll sign.. oh man. if given free rein i'd write: "negatively self-absorbed girl who looks three months pregnant but isn't seeks desperately to escape her torture chamber of webbed responsibility, thus has applied for a foreign exchange programme because she's too pathetic to face herself and her demons of depression and loneliness. needs time to immerse herself in a totally new culture so that she can realise that despite her insignificance there may be others worse off than her, so she'd better 'wake up her idea'. please give her this chance so that she realises something in her life can actually be done right."

sometimes i just lie on my bed.
don't know what to do.
don't want to move.
moving is such a chore.
i've been messing up everything.
doing everything wrongly.
if i close my eyes for long enough
can i create the illusion that i'm dead?