"perceiving life as a perpetual film."

funny how school kinda warps things up for us all.

i remember thinking that i couldn't wait for it to come, and now that it's here, everyone shares the same longing for those 4 measly days of semester break. which i will probably spend frantically doing last minute essays. it's not just the presentations and performances i guess. factor in people, and the equation just gets too messy for words. why do i try to take on the burdens of everyone, i just don't know. i should just be thankful i have a soft surface to lay my head at night, and endeavour to stretch out those precious moments when a jazz song happens to be on MTV and i can close my eyes for a brief respite before setting off to do more work elsewhere.

sometimes i do the juvenile "jedi" thing inside my head and try to envision fear and awkwardness as a separate entity apart from the essence of me... i try to tell myself that i don't really care if i a) get kicked off the illegal shuttle bus by the driver, b) get shouted at in french by my lecturer for arriving late, or c) get stared at for my ugly zit-covered mug (oh don't say otherwise... i'm too convinced of that fact already to be moved).. you get the idea. prehaps i should chant the bene gesserit's oft-used fear litany... "fear is the mind-killer...i will face my fear and let it pass over me... in the end only i will remain." while in this case, i am my own killer. the only one who depresses me is me. thus even if i remain i shall still decay.

hmm. just went to watch les choristes, my first movie in months. tired of analysing fades and cuts and longshots, and so just let myself get carried away by the plot, good laughs, good cries. i miss chorale music, and bittersweet nostalgia reminds me it was never so pure and sweet as depicted in the movie. the character that made me think was clement mathieu. i'd love to learn to be so devoted to one specific thing/hobby, as music was for him, and to selflessly share my wisdom, never taking the credit, just to be content to nurture talent. will i ever be satisfied that way, to just keep each small achievement to myself? somehow i think i can't even attain that, maybe it really is true that i always seem to be able to pass things first time round but will never progress beyond a beginner's stage. and so, depression sets in again. yipes how predictable.

i'm just being pmsy. don't mind my gibberish.