"perceiving life as a perpetual film."

you don't know it for sure.

i wonder why things aren't ever concrete in reality, and then the answer comes from my scifi tutorial discussion which i led on monday. our randomness, utter unpredictability is what makes us human. does this mean that women, far from being the weaker sex, are the stronger human? haha. something for you to chew cud on.

but of late i've been getting extremely impatient. which is bad. i'm sorry for, when talking to people, i shift constantly from foot to foot, or tap my feet incessantly, like some guy desperately in need to pee. it's just that i'm so stressed that i think every minute counts (okay maybe every 10-minute block, i just exaggerate).. and these past few days have been a whirlwind of forgetting to eat (instant stuff, microwaved leftovers and takeaway potato salad, anyone?) and trying to shock my mind into a so-called dune-ish "higher awareness"... so that the brain can just forget about the preliminary build-up and just get on to the final conclusion. i tend to meander in thought. bad for literature students, they end up with haphazard essays. jovian says lucas will just cream uni. i think he's not too far from the truth, especially if you just stick to what you're good at, literature. but you'll definitely have to put in some time researching to add to your mental library... just significantly less from all us other university students. and i don't like taking your own sweet time to arrive at conclusions. it just makes me mad. even at myself, when i dither. just DO it already.

i overslept on tuesday, thereby missing a french lecture and getting totally drenched in the rain from an umbrella that had a hole smack in the middle. to just get an idea of how muddled my brain is right now, i actually brought that faulty umbrella home just to dump it into the trashbin at home. i should've dumped it in school, but NO. sigh. oh, and this other thing about sighing... why do i sigh so much? it's getting to be an irritatingly subconscious habit. how much of our behaviour is unintentional? perhaps it's controlled by that little quizilla phrase that told me i'm terminally depressed.. it's floating around somewhere in that milky pool of brain. anyway. my french lecturer... i take it back that i said he's anal, he's not lar. some nice people in my class were complaining to him that everyone's not been getting enough sleep (thus our poor results for the first french test, i scraped a bare pass), and so he was like saying "you guys probably need a week's worth of sleep to get over this lesson" for today which was a totally convoluted grammaire lesson. objet et sujet... ne rien. so, my letter of oversleeping was accepted. admittedly i got my mom to add in something else "feeling unwell so i let her sleep in not knowing she fully intended to attend class at 10 that day".. my mom agreed to do it because she really was supposed to wake me and she was so busy at the spa that she forgot. oh well.

anyway. this week's almost over. really, fervently, thank God for this though i have been neglecting Him completely. sigh. (there i go again) only saturday and sunday left, equally as difficult days in themselves. my 3 literature presentations are done, my french orale test has passed (which i totally sucked at), i've given up on my computing lab report and have handed it in, i've gone for taekwondo at least once and worked once at the cultural centre for rhapsody. which brings me to my rant of the day against (not-really) strangers: "the President's the highest priority, you "culturally-inclined" idiots. we're trying to help you and you throw us dumb irritated looks. you want to leave 1500 plastic bags strewn in his path?".. anyway things all worked out in the end and we all got nice things to bring away. (sans some sort of liquid cholesterol drink.. i know, it sounds totally gross, and you know what, it is!) i just wish that next time, or for all time, people'd stop throwing dirty looks at people who're just trying to help. things happen, and we're not and will never be omniscient/present. so. it's unprofessional to complain in public, and in big groups.

2 performances more. i pray i don't screw up.

i don't know if i'll be happy in the end, but i know the end'll be happy!