i cannot help but look at what and how i've written in the past, and feel that i've fallen so far.

in hopes and expectations, in being dulled and accepting of being bullied, of being cast aside and treated like a housemaid. a scapegoat by reflex. 

if there is anything that life has taught me thus far, it's that there will always be disappointment. in how you build up images in your mind, only to have someone else shatter them easily, because you do not factor. because you do not even cross their minds in the slightest, except perhaps when you are looking for someone to blame. 

the only joy in life right now is family. and perhaps, ironically, knowing i'm employed even when so many aren't, right in the midst of this pandemic. 

in any case, tomorrow i embark on a quest to see joy and wonderment spark in my son's eyes as we go on our first staycation ever since COVID-19 hit, and the circuit breaker decreed we'd all be up in each other's faces 24/7. i'm hoping for a good one. if it's good, i'll document it here. somehow it feels nice to have some anonymity.

here's to the last few hours of 35. i'm going to make tomorrow count, and do some things for the future.